On the heels of Carlos Zambrano and Michael Barrett slugging it out in the Cubs' bullpen tonight, I think it's time to figure out what the best fighting match-ups would be on the Tigers. The goal for this is to get the best match-ups that would potentially help the team by either injuring a player or getting him removed from the team.
The Ultimate Solution- Gary Sheffield vs. The Entire Bullpen
As evidenced by his explosion the other night at the home plate umpire, Sheff is one temperamental dude. And you know what? I've always figured that if someone in the majors was going to up and kill seven guys, it would be Gary Sheffield. So let's let him go at it. He'd roll through Jose Mesa, Todd Jones, Jason Grilli, and Fernando Rondey in an instant. I'd miss Rodney, but he's playing as shitty as anyone right now, even if he is hurt. Bobby Seay and Tim Byrdak might give Sheff a few problems since they're lefties, but they'd go next. I like Wil Ledezma, but he'd be right behind those two. Who does that leave us with? Joel Zumaya. Obviously, this fight is postponed until late-July.
The Next Best Thing- Jose Fucking Mesa vs. Neifi Fucking Perez
Definitely a fight to the death. Hopefully it's a tie and they both end up not able to play any more. Who wins then? THE FANS! To be held immediately.
Offense and Defense- Marcus Thames vs. Sean Casey
The only way Casey comes out on top in this fight is if he swings his fists more accurately than he swings his bat. Marcus may not know first base all that well, but I'm sure he knows how to fight. The man is gigantic. I'm taking Thames. On the line is the first baseman's job.
Old Guard, New Guard- Todd Jones vs. Joel Zumaya
Another fight that is being delayed until late July. Zoom Zoom is the scariest man on the team and would probably beat Jonesy over the head with a Guitar Hero controller, which is legal, of course. All that Todd has going for him is that murderer mustache. Unfortunately, if got a lead in the fight he'd probably just blow it anyway.
Would Have Been Great Three Years Ago, But Not Any More (Tag Team)- Mike Maroth and Chad Durbin vs. Andrew Miller and Jorge De La Cruz
The weakest links in the Tigers' starting rotation going up against their eventual replacements. I'm sure it's much more entertaining to watch these guys throw punches than it is to watch them throw baseballs anyway, something neither has been doing all that well recently.
Where The Hell Did April Go? Nate Robertson (First Four Starts) vs. Nate Robertson (Last Five Starts)
A shut down lefty or a piece of shit gopher ball pitcher? A guy who could shut down anyone or a guy getting lit up by the Tampa Bay Devil Rays and getting knocked out of the game in the fifth? A bulldog or a poodle? Who do you think is going to win, come on.
Hopefully, these matches will go exactly as planned and this damned slide can end right now. I'm ready to see a few W's back up on the board guys.
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